Confessions of a GAD Girl

welcome to my anxious brain

Sometimes I’m Prepared. Sometimes I’m Not.

Oh my goodness, it’s been quite a while since I last wrote; more than two months! For shame! In that time, I’ve turned 37, acquired a new phone, the power supply in my computer died and was replaced, my sister and her family have moved in, I’m still having weird dreams, my right elbow still tingles when I rub my arm, I have a hive-thing-I-don’t-know-what on my left wrist, my dog has begun to really show her age, and soon I’m taking a trip halfway across the country and back.

This week my anxiety levels have risen dramatically. The addition of my sister, her husband, two children, and cat to my parents’ house has affected me far more than I thought it would. Before they moved in, we were all worried about how my step-dad would react to the drastic change in his home. He likes certain things to be certain ways, and we figured he would be the one that had the most difficulty adapting to the commotion. I knew I would have some issues with the whole thing, but I never thought it would mess with my anxiety the way it is. It’s been a bit of a shock. The thing that isn’t shocking, though, is that I have no idea what specifically is freaking me out.

In the first day or two that I noticed my heightened anxiety, I examined the situation and tried to determine why I was thinking the way I was thinking, so I could deal with it and move on. I came to the conclusion that most of the anxiety was due to feeling as though my sister and her family have taken over the house, making me uncomfortable in a living situation that I was already fairly uncomfortable in. It’s like a double uncomfortable.

That’s the biggest contributor to this current bout of elevated anxiety. Participants with smaller roles include my tingly elbow, an itchy spot on my wrist that has been there for about three weeks, and realizing more each day that the end of my time with my dog is sooner than I want. It’s much harder to watch a pet age than I thought it would be. She’s young in spirit, but no longer in body. She’s still healthy enough, however, for me to put my anxious thoughts about her on the back burner and consider them minor players at the moment.

The second largest contributor is thankfully temporary. I’m leaving in a few days to fly to Ohio, drive to Michigan, and then fly back to California. I loathe airports and planes. I don’t let that stop me from traveling, mind you, but I certainly prepare myself for the inner turmoil it will most certainly cause. A close friend gave me an adult coloring book and colored pencil set for my birthday and I will be using them to keep me distracted. I have assigned seats and plenty of time during my layovers to not feel rushed and stressed. I will have my medication close at all times in case of a sudden onset panic attack, and will drink plenty of water. As an added bonus, there will be people where I’m going whom I trust and can be honest with about my anxiety, which is a huge relief. I rationally know I’ll be fine, but I’m still really anxious about the whole thing.

There isn’t much else to share. I’m hoping to write more often now that my computer is up and running again, so I’ll see you soon. Until we meet again, I’ll leave you with this thought:

makes you stronger

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